Parenting, Healing, and Self-Love in Black Families

Kelly McRae

So, let’s talk about this, because this is such a heavy but, like, important topic. As Black parents, we’re navigating so many layers, and it’s...honestly, overwhelming sometimes. I mean, there’s this, like, expectation of being strong, right? Strong Black mom, strong Black dad. But, Jerry, uh, how do we even breathe under that weight?

Jerry McRae

Yeah, no, you’re absolutely right. I think, culturally, we've carried this sense of pride—this strength that comes from survival. But what’s not often talked about is...there’s a cost to that. Like, the emotional labor, the mental strain—that doesn’t just disappear once we’re parents. And I think about how the stigma around mental health impacts us. You know, saying, "I need help"—

Kelly McRae

Feels like admitting defeat?

Jerry McRae

Exactly.

Kelly McRae

Yeah, but it’s wild ‘cause it’s not, like, just about us. It spills over into how we show up for our kids too, you know? Like, how do we teach vulnerability when the world tells them to be, what, tough all the time?

Jerry McRae

That’s a good point. For me, it’s been about...uh, giving Camren and Brianna space to express themselves. Encouraging them to name what they’re feeling, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. Like, the other day, when Camren said he felt “mad and sad,” and—

Kelly McRae

Oh, yeah, that was that moment, huh?

Jerry McRae

Yeah, yeah. Instead of just saying “get over it” or “be strong,” I—I tried to help him unpack it. What made him sad? What made him mad? Those moments build resilience, right? They're small, but over time...

Kelly McRae

And that’s like emotional intelligence 101. But, like, for us adults? Whew, it’s definitely not automatic, let me tell you. Postpartum? I mean, Jerry, you remember how hard that was for me? It was not cute.

Jerry McRae

Yeah, I do. And, honestly, I don’t think husbands—partners—are prepared enough for that. I just...I remember feeling helpless at times, but I knew the best thing I could do was listen. Be present for you. Whether it was encouraging you to rest or just, you know, making sure you felt supported to cry when you needed to.

Kelly McRae

And that kind of support is, honestly, lifesaving. Like, just the mental load of caring for a baby...it’s so isolating. Plus—

Jerry McRae

Combine that with systemic challenges—

Kelly McRae

Yep, and crazy societal pressures. Whew.

Jerry McRae

Yeah, it makes me think...if we can normalize talking about these struggles, especially for fathers and mothers, we can start carving out healthier ways to parent. You know, like, addressing our own mental health leads to healthier kids.

Kelly McRae

Jerry, you know, that’s exactly it—addressing our mental health for healthier kids. But then you think about it, and it’s like, okay, how do we actually break those generational cycles? I mean, that sounds so neat and inspiring, but let me tell you, doing the work to change it? Whew, it’s messy.

Jerry McRae

Yeah, it’s definitely not easy. I mean, for me, growing up, I didn’t even realize some of the patterns I was inheriting. It wasn’t until I was older—really, until becoming a dad—that I started to see it.

Kelly McRae

What did that look like for you?

Jerry McRae

Well, so much of it starts with just...acknowledging it, right? Recognizing that some of the things—like avoiding certain emotions, uh, brushing off sadness, you know—they weren’t just habits. They were survival mechanisms passed down. And, honestly, it wasn’t until I looked inward that I could even begin to shift things.

Kelly McRae

And that right there? That’s the game-changer. ‘Cause what I see is, if we don’t do that healing work, it’s like...we’re handing our kids this bag of bricks to carry that they didn’t sign up for.

Jerry McRae

Exactly. And for me, it’s been about practicing forgiveness—not just for others, but for myself. There were moments where I’d catch myself repeating patterns with Camren or Brianna, and man...those were tough moments of reckoning.

Kelly McRae

Yeah, like, we’ve definitely had to, uh, have some real conversations around that. But I think it’s made a difference in how we approach parenting together, especially with creating emotional safety for the kids.

Jerry McRae

For sure. One thing I’ve learned is that giving them space—space to just feel and express—is crucial. Like, Camren the other day asked me if it was okay to feel disappointed in something I said. That felt huge to me. Not because he was disappointed, but because he trusted me enough to say it.

Kelly McRae

That’s the win right there. Teaching them to trust, to process their emotions. It’s really about modeling it too, right? Like, if we’re not vulnerable, they won’t know they can be.

Jerry McRae

Exactly. And it’s not just about what happens inside our home. That’s where community becomes vital. We’ve leaned on family, friends, even those, uh, parenting support groups we found. Those resources have really helped us...kind of expand our toolkit, I guess.

Kelly McRae

Absolutely. And it’s not just the big things, y’know? Like, a reminder from a friend that it’s okay to take a breather, someone offering to help with the kids so we can recenter ourselves...those things matter so much.

Jerry McRae

They really do. I think about those moments where we’ve been able to just step back and recharge—or even moments where we’ve had that external encouragement to keep doing the work, for us and for the kids. It changes everything.

Kelly McRae

You know, thinking about all that—the recharging and the encouragement—it really circles back to one thing for me: self-love. Like, how do we show Camren and Brianna that foundation when the world’s out there already shaping so much of how they see themselves?

Jerry McRae

I think it starts with being intentional, right? Like, consciously pushing back against the messages they get from media, peers, and, honestly, sometimes even within our own communities. I mean, colorism and texturism—those are huge forces that impact self-esteem, especially for our daughters.

Kelly McRae

Oh yeah, Brianna’s already had moments. Like, there was this day—we were brushing her hair, and she asked why it wasn’t “pretty and straight like her friend’s.” My heart just...dropped.

Jerry McRae

That’s tough. What did you say to her?

Kelly McRae

Well, I told her her curls are beautiful and strong, just like her. Then I kinda spun it into a fun moment, like showing her how versatile her hair is. But man, it’s hard because it’s not just about one comment, you know?

Jerry McRae

Right, it’s about countering years of conditioning. And that’s where modeling self-acceptance comes in. Like when I decided to write "Black Fathers Are Real." I wanted Camren and Brianna to see themselves in a story where they’re celebrated, not diminished by stereotypes. I wanted them to know their worth beyond what the world tries to define for them.

Kelly McRae

And I love that. It’s so powerful because it’s not just for them—it’s for other parents, other kids who might not hear that affirmation elsewhere. And honestly, it’s things like representation and acknowledgment that build them up. Whether it’s books like yours or just hearing us tell them, “You are enough.”

Jerry McRae

Exactly. And for any parents listening, one thing I’d recommend is creating daily affirmations. We do this with the kids—every morning we say, “I am strong, I am smart, I am loved.” It’s simple, but it creates this sense of grounding.

Kelly McRae

Yes! And making sure it’s consistent. Actions, words, your whole vibe—it all has to flow together. Like, if you’re preaching self-love but criticizing your own body in front of them...whew, they’ll pick up on that real quick.

Jerry McRae

For sure. And I think creating an affirming environment also means celebrating their achievements, big or small. Like, when Camren finishes a Lego set, it’s not just “Cool, you did it.” It’s, “I love how you stuck with it. That was creative and thoughtful.” What we affirm matters.

Kelly McRae

Oh, totally. And for Brianna? I know it’s about celebrating her individuality and kindness. Like, just letting her feel seen, y’know? That recognition plants seeds of confidence and self-worth that will grow over time.

Jerry McRae

And we can’t forget the importance of being open about the challenges too. Letting them know it’s okay to struggle with self-love some days, but also giving them the tools to navigate those moments.

Kelly McRae

Right, it’s about balance. Affirmation meets truth, meets grace. Honestly, Jerry, this is the work that feels overwhelming sometimes, but also, like, the most rewarding, you know?

Jerry McRae

Absolutely. And it’s the kind of work where we’re not just shaping our kids’ futures but also healing parts of ourselves along the way. That’s the beauty of it.

Kelly McRae

And that’s how we keep building, brick by brick. Self-love, resilience, understanding—it’s all connected. Whew, well, on that note, I hope this conversation has been helpful to everyone listening today. Jerry and I love having these moments with you all, and we’re grateful you’re on this parenting journey with us.

Jerry McRae

Yeah, thank you so much for joining us. Remember, the foundation you’re building now can carry generations forward. Until next time, take care of yourselves and your little ones.